Save Your Relationship
By Leaving That Stupid Motherfucker
How I Unfriended My Boyfriend on Facebook and We’ve Never Been Happier
by Cienna Jade
by Cienna Jade
Are you in a committed relationship and totally in love? Do you feel elated every time you’re together? Does it then drive you crazy when that ass you enjoy milking sex juices from has the nerve to laugh react to posts that aren’t funny? Then not react at all when you’re clearly a god of hilarity? Does it grate against your soul when they leave you on “read” when you ask them a question, forcing you to physically get up (UGH), go to the other room (ERGH), and waste extra effort to ask the same question that they then miraculously have an immediate response for as though it’s their first time hearing the inquiry? Or you ask them a question that isn’t a yes or no question and they reply only with a yes or no? Every. Single. Time.
If any of this is sounding familiar, you need to unfriend that motherfucker. Don’t break up with them. Just unfriend them. And if they ever dare to ask you why, just say: “yes.” Hi, I’m Cienna Jade, and this is not a joke. This is a very serious relationship hazard people might not know they’re about to deal with when they begin dating a massive stoner. Sure, you expected the stale, half eaten bags of chips. |
That’s totally acceptable, you can always crumble that shit up on top of the next casserole you feed their insatiable maw. You knew their sleeping schedule was gonna be fucked since none of their friends are online to game until at least one in the morning. But that’s cool, ‘cause that means they’re sleeping when you like to game and don’t take up the bandwidth. You knew there’d be forgotten loads of laundry, the occasional cheese surprise in the knife drawer and silverware in the fridge, but all of that is an innocently endearing level of silliness compared to only leaving a “like” on the selfies you painstakingly selected just the right filter for that everyone else gave a heart react to. Some things are unforgivable (but not unforgivable enough to yeet a really great lay).
So if your partner isn’t finding your awkward use of online slang adorable, it’s time to cut ‘em loose and let them have their boring fun with their stolen, uncaptioned memes by their lonesome. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and reconnect with that piping hot schlong.
Truly, all jokes aside, my man and I were terrible when we were friends with each other on Facebook. Any argument we had would be spun into some truly stupid and petty online behavior. So, I unfriended him, and our irl relationship has never been better. Now we actually communicate instead of making posts passive aggressively aimed at each other. We’re still friends with each other’s friends, just not with each other, and it’s fucking great. Maybe a little weird to some, but definitely not as weird as a shared Facebook account, ew.
Is all of this incredibly specific to my current relationship and not really all that relevant to anyone else’s? Probably, yes. Did I owe the editor some kind of article and my submission was past due? Definitely yes.
So if your partner isn’t finding your awkward use of online slang adorable, it’s time to cut ‘em loose and let them have their boring fun with their stolen, uncaptioned memes by their lonesome. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and reconnect with that piping hot schlong.
Truly, all jokes aside, my man and I were terrible when we were friends with each other on Facebook. Any argument we had would be spun into some truly stupid and petty online behavior. So, I unfriended him, and our irl relationship has never been better. Now we actually communicate instead of making posts passive aggressively aimed at each other. We’re still friends with each other’s friends, just not with each other, and it’s fucking great. Maybe a little weird to some, but definitely not as weird as a shared Facebook account, ew.
Is all of this incredibly specific to my current relationship and not really all that relevant to anyone else’s? Probably, yes. Did I owe the editor some kind of article and my submission was past due? Definitely yes.